Please Invade My Privacy
by Andi Lutz
Week 5
Remember last week, Week 4, when I had to go head first into a porta potty. Well, since that nightmare I decided it would be good to visit the doctor and get checked out. Explaining to her what happened was embarrassing and I could tell she was judging me, she’s so much smarter and stuff, with her fancy degree. Anyway, she wanted to take some blood. So, here I am, sitting in the chair with one arm rest waiting for someone to suck my blood.
In walks a woman who will be the lucky vampire today. I wrack my brain for something to say. Even though I talked to the doctor I don’t count that for invading my privacy, I had to talk to her. This woman obviously doesn’t want to communicate by the look on her face, that’s why I’m going to talk to her.
She comes over and starts to prepare. ‘So, you’re a phlebotomist?’ I ask.
‘Yep, that’s why we’re here,’ she says and rolls her eyes.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, she could inflict some pain, but I just keep going anyway. ‘That’s how you pronounce it right, flee-bot-tom-mist?’ I say sounding it out.
‘Yeah, it’s not difficult, you’ve never heard of it?’
‘Well, I have but I’ve never said it to a phlebotomist, I didn’t want to sound stupid,’ too late for that.
‘Hmm,’ she says, and I don’t know what that means, and it makes me babble even more.
‘You know, I always admired people with real careers. My parents never cared about my future, that’s probably why I don’t have one. A real career, I mean, not a future,’ dumb, dumb, dumb, just shut up while you’re ahead, I think.
‘What are we testing for?’ She asks as if she didn’t hear what I said.
‘I don’t know exactly, I mean, I, well, I had to stick my hand in other people’s poo, so, whatever that test is. I had to, it’s not like I wanted to, I had to get my phone out. It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done. Not that I’ve done a lot of disgusting things in my life. Just a normal person here,’ I look up and smile, trying to look normal.
‘Maybe you should talk to her about your anxiety,’ she says and turns her back to grab something.
‘I don’t have anxiety, I’m just trying to talk to you. Just trying to have a normal conversation between two human beings.’
‘You don’t get out much, do you?’ She asks.
‘I do, kind of, umm. I force myself to- it’s not like I just stay home with all my cats, I have a life, I have friends.’ When am I going to learn to just shut up?
‘What do you mean all your cats?’ She asks.
‘You know, like a crazy cat lady. I’m not there yet, I only have three cats.’
‘How many cats do you need to be a crazy cat lady?’ She asks.
‘Mmm, I guess five, but I’m not the expert on it,’ letting her know it’s not the law.
‘I have five cats, technically two are kittens, but they’ll be cats soon. Does that make me a crazy cat lady?’ She asks with one hand on her hip, the other holding a needle, and an angry look on her face.
Clearly this has gone awry, and she hasn’t even taken my blood yet. It’s going to look like a war zone when she’s through. ‘No, really, you’re like a saint, taking care of all those cats. A normal person would have just brought them to a shelter. I mean, anyone else, all the selfish people who don’t care about cats,’ I say hoping that poo disease would just kill me right here and now.
‘Yeah, a normal person. This is going to hurt a little,’ she says with an evil smile.
And it did hurt, a lot. Next time I’ll remember to start a conversation after the blood is drawn and no talk of cats.
Please Invade My Privacy
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Week 4
Week 5
Week 6
Week 7
#PleaseInvadeMyPrivacy
